When I found out that I was expecting a baby in 2012, I was overjoyed. It took us 4 years of trying to get pregnant. I dreamt of having a little girl. A girl that I could nurture and protect. I vowed to myself that I would do whatever it took to prevent that my little girl would go through what I went through.
You see, when I was twelve, I was molested. When I was fourteen, I was sexually harassed. When I was sixteen, I was bullied. Between the age of nineteen and twenty-five, I was sexually assaulted several times. And at the age of twenty-two, I was raped.
At the day of the all-revealing ultrasound however, I found out that I would have a boy. I asked the technician three times if he was sure. I could not comprehend what I had just heard. My dreams were crushed.
I remember this day so vividly. I sat at home in my armchair and felt miserable, cheated, angry and overwhelmed. So many emotions were rushing through me that day and none of them were positive or reassuring. I looked down on my growing belly and thought ‚I don’t want you!‘
But the moment those thoughts crossed my mind, I felt so immensely guilty for thinking that. This little boy that grew inside of me was an innocent soul and the universe chose to place him into my care. I broke down crying and apologized to that little boy in my belly over and over again.
And then I made a new vow. I vowed that I would do whatever it took to heal from my past and be the best mom a boy could ever ask for. Not in the overbearing saying-yes-to-everything-mom, but in the sense of positive parenting, loving unconditionally, instilling compassion, respect and kindness in him. I vowed that I would raise him in the most empowering way possible.
From the moment my son was born, he brought me and my husband so much joy. He is an amazing kid. I can’t imagine my world without him. He has so much love to give and is so kind, funny and compassionate. Don’t get me wrong, he is a rascal, too. But having healed not only my trauma, but also emotional wounds from my upbringing helped me to make sure that I would never use any measures that could possibly dim his light.
Healing my trauma was the most precious gift I could give my son. And giving me a son was the most precious gift the universe could give me.